I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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