Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
