OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
