Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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