I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
