Where did you get a picture of my penis
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
