Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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