So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
