WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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