I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Come see our sink grown plant.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
