Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
