Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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