Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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