I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
