my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
