Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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