I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
