I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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