Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
