I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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