i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
