I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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