If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
The air was thick with penises
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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