So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
