I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
