I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The chlamydia really affected his face.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
