the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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