That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
