just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
