I'd wear matching sweaters with you
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
