I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
