Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Randomize
