: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
