Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
