ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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