She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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