We named our party play list daddy issues
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
