Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
