dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
