He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
