He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
