i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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