Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
My liver just had a heart attack.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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