i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
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So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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