Fuck appropriateness.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize
