Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
