I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
