youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
