it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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