Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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