if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
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