i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She bit a glass in half.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
