My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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