I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
