She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
