so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Randomize
