Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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