She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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