my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
